I am a little spoiled. Actually, let me rephrase that, I am very spoiled. Since the end of my freshman year, school has been a breeze. This is not to say that I didn’t have to study hard, quite the contrary! I am a perfectionist when it comes to grades. From day 1 of my classes, I am usually on top of everything, know exactly what is going on, and have the ability to study for my exams weeks in advance. I am the kind of person who strategically has a final exam meltdown the week before finals so that I can focus during exam week. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “this doesn’t sound realistic in the least bit!” I know, and it’s not. Throughout my college career, I've manipulated my schedule, habits, and social life to accommodate my academic goals while maintaining my sanity and health. For starters, I have always had a great schedule because of priority class-registration privileges (student-athlete/honors college). One of the advantages of early registration is the ability to pick the kind of teachers who want to make you successful(based on online ratings). On top of that, I've had private tutors through the athletic department, spent more football game’s studying than I'd like to admit, foregone parties, and taken homework with me to the beech, track meets, and other trips. Yeah, I know. I sound like a total nerd. I guess I kind of am. The nice thing about making good grades is that it can lead to scholarships that pay a lot more than I would be able to make if I had a job. I guess that’s kind of how I approach school. It’s a job, and the better I do, the more successful I will be.
I have been able to maintain my perfectionistic approach to school up until about two weeks ago when I realized that a) I had no idea what was going on in my classes and b) I somehow landed in four classes in which I did not have the pre-requisites for. Go figure. I can still remember the day when the realization hit me like a freight-train. How was I supposed to teach myself all of the pre-requisite material so that I could understand the material in my current classes? Well, needless to say, I freaked. To make matters worse, I couldn’t switch or drop any of my classes. To do so would mean that I would have to pay over $2,000 to take summer classes. Ehem. Not gonna happen. Gradually, a realization began to dawn on me. This isn’t an unusual situation. This isn’t a major screw-up. This isn’t even something worth freaking out about. This is life. And I am spoiled. Life is not something that I can constantly control. It isn’t something that I can always plan and expect the perfect outcome. All I have is the breath that I am breathing during this very moment. I can plan to our hearts content, but the Lord is the one who decides the outcome; “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps” (Proverbs 16:9)
Why do I get so upset when things don’t go exactly as I have planned? I am twenty years old and should certainly know better by now. I guess sometimes it is easy to forget that the future is not in my hands. Every time I get a perfect grade or do well in a race, I have an overwhelming desire to give myself the glory. Something deep inside of me says, “this. This is exactly what you have worked for. This is exactly what you have earned. There is nothing you can’t do or plan for”. When I turn to scripture and ultimately, the face of God, I realize that I am completely and utterly wrong. I might as well have blindfolded myself and told myself that I was president of the United States. I didn’t create myself. I didn’t choose parents who would send me to college. I didn’t choose a time period in which I would even have the opportunity to earn a grade in school. Most importantly, I didn’t choose to be loved by the Creator of the universe.
Wow.
Even as I write this, I am being overcome my emotion. I am so undeserving. My pride and self-centeredness is about as far off as Obama is from conservatism. Just kidding, it’s a lot farther. Maybe the Grand Canyon would be a better analogy. Or how about Osama bin Laden from Santa Clause? You get the picture.
‘For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast” (Ephesians 2:8,9)
